This post is part of a larger series on shopping and I want YOUR input!

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Last month my husband and I went on a vacation to Japan. While walking around Harajuku, we passed a store with the most gorgeous dress in the window — it was the perfect shade of yellow, a little bit flouncy (but not too flouncy) and a cut that would be easy to take from day to night. The store was closed, but I immediately planned to  go back the next day.

I have always been someone who finds shopping easy — clothes fit me really well (I’m a perfect size 8, don’t hate me, I know I’m privileged), fashion makes me happy, and I’m fast friends with salespeople. That ease that I feel in the States did not translate to Japan. I’m a giant woman in Japan. I’m a tall 5’9’’ (people tend to think I’m 6 feet tall, but I swear I’m not). The average height for women in Japan is 5’2’’. To top that off, I’m a good 35 pounds heavier than the average woman. 

Needless to say, that perfect yellow dress didn’t fit — even in the largest size. Miraculously, I did find an olive dress that fit like a glove. I was feeling pretty proud of myself when we left the store, but a little later on I asked my husband what he thought about my shopping habits. I was sure he was going to say that I had grown a lot in that area since we first met and I was maxing out my cards at Nordstrom. I knew he wouldn’t say I was a minimalist, but I did expect some sort of recognition of the progress I’ve made. That did not happen. Instead, he told me he was a little worried about how I felt about shopping. He didn’t say that I was spending too much or buying things needlessly, but that he thought my feelings about my mother were too wrapped up in shopping and that meant that I sometimes spent purely on emotion. While you might be impressed by my husband’s emotional intelligence and guru-like understanding of my shopping impulses in this moment, I wasn’t feeling very impressed with him at all. I was feeling like I looked amazing in my chic olive Japanese dress and I had earned it.

But he was right – at least partly. Upon reflection, I haven’t actually made the progress I thought I had. I don’t let myself go into credit card debt over a pair of shoes, but I also don’t fully understand my own feelings around shopping.

I have determined this comes from two places:

1. So many of my happy memories of my mom involve shopping. I cannot count the number of times we went to the Oak Brook mall, spent the day trying on everything at BP/Nordstrom (me) and Talbot’s (her) and both went home feeling thrilled at the goodies in our shopping bags. Like any other parent-child relationship, my mom and I would sometimes fight, but there was something about an Anthropologie dressing room that seemed to dissolve any and all of our differences.

One of the ways I can still feel close to her, even after her death, is to pop into a store and try on a bunch of things. And buy – always buy.

1. Beyond that, I, like many others, connect my joy to having new things. I see pretty things and think to myself, “if only I had that, I would be happy.” Spoiler alert  -- it doesn’t work. But it’s still an easy trap to fall into. In many ways this feeling is much more daunting to me than my grief over my mom. I can pinpoint the exact mom memories that shopping relates to and I can intellectually understand why I feel the way I do, but with materialism it gets a whole lot squishier.

Since returning from Japan, I’ve talked to lots of friends about these feelings and realized how far from alone I am. Not everyone has a dead mom, but many of us have memories wrapped up in what we wear. And almost all of us have feelings of inadequacy that we try to buy our way out of.

I want to expand this conversation out of my little circle and open it up to you. Do you have feelings about shopping you want to explore? Any nagging feelings you always get at the register? Any online shopping highs? LET’S TALK ABOUT IT!

Privilege is a tough thing to fully understand - it often feels slippery to pin down because of its complexity and yet, understanding it is key to understanding ourselves. Privilege impacts how we view the world, how others view us and what we are and are not able to do. As a money coach I am confronted with my own privilege and the privilege (or lack thereof) of my clients on a daily basis and, although confronting it is at times uncomfortable, I am grateful for the experience.

WHY SHOULD I DO THIS?

I believe that understanding my own privilege is important - not only for my own self improvement, but because it will help me better understand and change the world around me. And, I don’t know about you, but changing the world feels pretty darn important to me right now.

That reason may resonate with you too, but if it doesn’t here are a few more reasons that might feel more relevant:

• Improve your Emotional Intelligence

• Practice Gratitude

• Figure out how to use your privilege to help others

• Gain insight into your interactions with others

• Become better connected with yourself

• Fight injustice

• Discover new ways to equalize (or at least improve) power dynamics

STEP 1: PRIVILEGE BRAINSTORM

This week, I’d like to urge you to start (or continue!) this tough conversation with yourself. Pull out a journal, the notes app on your phone or scrap of paper and start by brainstorming all of the ways that you are privileged.

MY PERSONAL PRIVILEGE BRAINSTORM:

I am white.

I am thin.

I am able bodied.

I am conventionally good looking.

I was raised in an upper-middle class neighborhood.

I went to public school at one of the best schools in the country (or at least it was when I was there).

I went to private university and grad school.

I have no student loans and never did because my parents paid for school (undergrad I knew was going to be paid for, grad school became something they decided to pay for after my mom died).

Although I do not have monetary support from my family, the fact that I’ve had it in the past means I have fewer debts now and therefore am more easily able to make “risky” decisions (i.e. become an entrepreneur).

I know that if shit really hit the fan, my in-laws wouldn’t let us become homeless.

STEP 2: CONNECT IT TO YOUR DAY-TO-DAY LIFE

Look back at that brainstorm and pick one or two things to dive deeper into. As you go through your day jot down ways in which you see that particular privilege manifesting in your life. It might be something obvious (seeing a police officer doesn’t put me on edge) or it might be more subtle (I have the money to pay for a monthly yoga subscription because I don’t have to pay back student loans). The practice might feel difficult at first - and that’s okay! The more you think about it and the more you engage with this topic, the easier it will be for you to connect with your privilege.

This is just the start of a much bigger conversation that I will be sharing with you. I know it isn’t easy or fun, but I also know how important it is for understanding our own personal money philosophies and goals. And figuring out your money philosophy and goals? That part is really fun!

As always, if you have questions, let me know! You can email at caroline@verdiadvising.com or set up a time to chat with me here.